Read Through Some of the most Outrageously Funny Online Reviews for Escorts on a Sex Forum

  • By Miranda Kane
  • Sep 13, 2018

Because yes, even escorts get reviewed this time around. Let’s face it – we’ve all read a review for something. 

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We know everyone’s probably had a number of experiences with escorts - some good, some bad, some embarrassing. But have you ever left a review? A good one, or a scathing one because it was less embarrassing than asking for your money back?

When we as humans are pissed off about something, we are more likely to report that negative experience, rather than write a good review. This can get awkward, and the thing you are reviewing is sex with a beautiful stranger.

That’s right, sex-workers get reviewed.

Here are some of the latest doozies because we believe – much like reviews for anything else in life – they often say a lot more about the writer than the subject.

Enjoy the bashing!

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10. ‘Fs (Full Sex) was £100. I was like what? I get fs for £50!!!! She then said well thats with these other women who don’t have a passport; I have British passport!!  As if I will be fucking her passport.’

I guess the local cuisine has it’s perks. A side effect of Brexit no-one saw coming. Everyone has their own price, and it’s best to just respect it.

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9. ‘She started massaging me and within 30 seconds asked if I wanted extra. I said ask me after as I want to enjoy the massage and she replied with a “No. You have to pay me now.” Completely ruined it.’

Ugh…she’s just in it for the money.

Well in her defense, all escorts collect before they even start. This is just for them to know what level of service she has to provide.

8. ‘Within 40 minutes I must have called about 10 times…her phone was ringing with no asnwer. I was thinking she is getting ready and maybe the previous client overan bit. At 14:00 I called for the last time ….Pissed off I asked if I can come now and she said no.’

Ouch. She left you to the curb. I guess that last punter gave it to her good!

How dare she not answer her phone in the middle of sex!

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7. ‘Her pics are accurate, gorgeous girl, nice body. No kissing, No licking, No OWO and Sex only once in an hour session….I should have clarified everything in advance, but I was expecting all these services as a given.’

Damn her! How could she not read his mind? To be fair, I was the same when I once asked for a Happy Meal, and the novelty toy wasn’t a wrap of amphetamines.

6. ‘Both paid and free parking at some places during the weekend. It’s really close to the train station.’

Yep. Parking. I guess that matters as well.

Ah, the logistics…

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5. ‘Walked in, asked for an hour massage for 50, they showed me to a room, it was disgusting. Hair on the sheet, her shower was dirty. It was disgusting. I only took my shoes off and was contemplating leaving, then fate struck. I heard someone fart, not a normal fart but an ungodly machine gun’ 

Lols for the turn-off of the century! Hope you got your money back, bud.

4. ‘The biggest negative for my experience was that she answers phone calls from punters during the session this was a major drawback as one keen punter called about 3-4 times during my session.’

See number seven.

3. ‘She had a sign in the bathroom saying ‘Do not wash your dick in the sink’.’

That’s right, I see you…no dick-washing, mister! I’m printing that on a t-shirt

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2. ‘Sadly, this review has to be a negative because even as an experienced punter that knows how to extract services, I found myself working far too hard with her. I left the place feeling a bit down & thinking ‘Why do I even bother to fuck these whores?”

Is it because, and I’m just spit-balling here, but is it because you use phrases like ‘extract services’?

Or is it because, and you can say no, but is it because you use phrases like ‘why do I even bother to fuck these whores?’

Not sure if you can tell but that makes you sound like a grade-A, super-rapey bellend.

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1. Bait & Switch.

Not an exact quote, but hey, something to work towards.

Unfortunately, you will get the odd posting where the woman in the pictures is not the one who answers the door. This is where any client can just say: ‘No thank you’.

However, in 99.9% of the reviews I found about this, they stayed, paid, and complained about it afterwards.

Hate to break it to you guys but as long as you keep paying, you’re providing a market for this kind of thing.

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There’s an overall feeling that the only thing these boys are after is a sense of ‘value for money’, even down to having to pay an extra couple quid for parking!

Really seems like they hold back any kind of playfulness and sexiness just to make sure they can cram as many services into a set time while getting the satisfaction they want.

For the punters who do make it a hobby and jump from one to the next, I do feel a little sympathetic.

Rather than enjoying the time they have (seemingly begrudgingly) paid for, they’re using it more as a way to peacock.

That is, to go on a forum and show off what they managed to get for the rock bottom prices they’re willing to pay and then complain if they get anything less than they expected in their furtive imagination.

Not all reviews are false. Some can actually be useful – like when someone is running a bait and switch scam for instance.

But otherwise, I can’t help but think that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. These women work hard for the kind of job they do. Seeing strangers one after the other can be intimidating - in addition to angry text messages.

And as for the level of service you expect – just remember, you get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.

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